T-Shirts & Bumper Stickers

In driving around and perusing various catalogs I have come across many witty comments on t-shirts and bumper stickers.  This page contains a collection of ones that have caught my eye and I will add to it as they come to my attention.  If you have your own favorites click here to email them to me for inclusion on this page.


Is it time to light 'em up yet?

Rule 303

It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

Nerd?  I prefer intellectual badass.

The smartest thing about you is your wisdom teeth.

Every problem has a solution except yours.

In nature there are oddities & you are one of them.

I'd explain it to you but I'm out of puppets and crayons.

I use to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

If you are agitated and confused my work here is done.

I consider "on-time" to be when I get there.

I'm not a pessimist.  I'm an optimist with experience.

Of all the things I miss, I miss my mind the most.

Lysol doesn't kill stupid.

You breed it, you feed it ( front )
I'm a taxpayer. I'm not your baby daddy ( back ) 

There is no such thing as  overkill . There is only open fire and  reload.

"Criminals obey gun laws in the same manner that politicians follow  their oaths of office."

Listen & silent have the same letters.  Coincidence?

The Constitution - I read it for The Articles.

Who is John Galt?

The only thing to fear is fear itself ... and spiders.

With the right tools, I can break anything.

The Library. It's like taking your brain to the gym.

World Cat herding Champion

Stop sniveling!  You voted for the idiot and you got what you wanted.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on the list.

Old enough to remember when Pluto was a planet.

Be nice to me or I'll throw you under the buss.  And I'm the driver.

Don't annoy the uncaffeinated person.

It's only weird the first time.

Computers do not damage your thinky thingy/

If you could read my mind you wouldn't be smiling.

I've upped my standards.  NOW UP YOURS!

I am aloof, distant, and judgmental.  I think I may be a cat.

What I really need is Minions.

Irony: The opposite of wrinkly.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Listen and Silence have the same letters. Coincidence?

Don't go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

Yes it's true. I'm not on Facebook.

If you are waiting for a sign, THIS IS IT.

Sarcasm is the mind's defense against stupidity.

Time travel is coming. When is irrelevant.

By reading this you have given me brief control of your mind.

Normal is just a setting on the dryer.

GRAMMAR POLICE: To Correct and Serve.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring so I go back to being me.

Sarcasm. Because beating the crap out of people is illegal.

"It's WE THE PEOPLE", not "me the president."

Friends help you move.  Good friends help you move the bodies.

The first word in Congress is " CON "

Zombies want brains.  YOU'RE safe.

File not found.  Would you like a beer instead?

Try being informed instead of just opinionated.

Penny for your thoughts.  Five bucks if they're dirty.

The King is not amused.

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

Your proctologist called.  He found your head.

What part of MEOW don't you understand.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

My cat makes me happy.  You, not so much.

If it wasn't for airport security I wouldn't have a sex life at all.

I'm sorry.  I don't speak moron.

What I really need are minions.

This is my clone.  I'm actually somewhere else having a better time.

If things get any worse I'll have to ask you to stop helping.

If I can't build it, fix it or mow it it can't be important.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

If the Kitty ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

In dog beers I've had only one.

You have a mind like a steel trap--welded shut.

I use to care but I took a pill for that.

Contrary to popular belief, nobody owes you anything.

I'm already visualizing you with duct tape over your mouth.

I played with dinosaurs as a kid.

No one cares what actors think.

I'm not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.

Yet despite the look on my face you are still talking.

Vegetarian: Ancient tribal slang for someone who can't hunt, fish, or ride.

I'm sorry. Was it my job to fill your life with joy today?

Come to the dark side.  We have cookies.

Welcome to the dark side. Why are you surprised we lied about the cookies?

Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms.  Whose bringing the chips?

[Picture of Uncle Sam] I want YOU to speak English.

Annoy a liberal.  Use facts and logic.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I'm a not gynecologist--but I'll take a look.

I hear voices and they don't like you.

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don't want to see you every day.

Paddle faster. I hear banjos.

I hate it when the voices in my head laugh at me.

While you are out protesting, I've been earning a living.

My attention span is shorter than

(Picture of a highly strung cat) Give me the catnip and no one gets hurt.

My train of thought has left the station.

To much (pie symbol) Gives you a large circumference.

Ambivalent?  Well... yes and no.

When you stop believing in Santa you get underwear for Christmas.

Vegetarianism.  It's a big missed steak

Pretending I'm a pleasant person all day long is exhausting.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Go Green - Recycle Congress!   

Some dress for success.  I dress for recess.

I'm not short.  I'm fun size.

The decline of western civilization leaves me strangely unmoved.

What I really need are minions.

Laughing on the inside.  Pretending to care on the outside.

This is me pretending you are normal.

Patience is a virtue but flipping someone off fells better.

I'm not aging, I'm fermenting.

Careful or you'll end up in my novel.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

Just another poo flinging day in the jungle.

If idiots grew on trees this place would be a jungle.

Can't blame Bush now!

I'm sick of political messages-and I approved this message.

Heavily medicated for your safety.

Here I am.  What are your other two wishes?

Some days it isn't worth chewing through the restraints.

I keep on hitting the escape button but I'm still here.

I like small furry animals-with small fries, and a coke.

Some people have skeletons in their closet.  I usually put mine in the trunk.

I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.

Where's MY stinkin' bailout?

National Sarcasm Society-Like we need your support.

I've stopped listening.  Why haven't you stopped talking?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but some people's opinions are shit.

I reject your reality and substitute my own.

My kid fought in Iraq so your kid can party in college

Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume

A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers

If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran

Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has never Solved Anything.

Sure You-Can-Trust-Your-Government-Just-Ask-An-Indian

Veggies are not food. Veggies are what food eats.

Actually, the word is "lysdexic" but everyone says it sideways.

After long and careful consideration I have concluded that reality is overrated.

I'm not losing my hair. I'm gaining face.

I'm not bald. I'm just taller than my hair.

If it's too loud, you're not too old. It's just too loud.

A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy

D.A.D.D. - Dad's Against Daughters dating

CDO: Just like OCD but all the letters are in the correct order, the way they should be.

CSA flag and the words "If at first you don't secede, try, try again."

Reading:  It's like having a TV in your head.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

[Picture of the capitol building] Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 

When in doubt... Mumble

Be careful or you'll end up in my novel.

Caffeine is proof that God loves us and wants us to pay attention.

[Computer progress bar] Brilliant idea loading.

Keep calm and carry on.

History Buff:  I'd find you more interesting if you were dead.

I before E except after C.  Weird?

Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out.  I can usually shut them up with a cookie.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

It's not a superiority complex when you really are superior.

Often confused with my evil twin.

I use to think beer was bad for me--so I gave up thinking.

Things haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

Did you eat a bowl of STUPID for breakfast?

It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Christian; American; Heterosexual; Pro-gun; Conservative.
Any Questions?

Democracy: Three wolves and a sheep deciding what's for dinner

May you live in interesting times

Cow + fire = steak

I love gardening.  It helps when you need to hide the bodies.

Irony.  The opposite of wrinkly.

Can you hear me MEOW? (With a cat face)

Resistance is not futile.  It's voltage divided by current.

Statistics mean never having to say you're certain.

Old age comes at an inconvenient time.

Since I'm always right it's nice to have somebody on my left.

Be alert!  There is a shortage of LERTs.

The 1% pays for the 99%

What if there is no conspiracy and our government really is that stupid.

I expected times like this - but I never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.

Slot the Floppies

I'm hiding in plain sight.

Alcohol:  Because no good story starts with "So this one time I was eating a salad ..."

Contrary to popular belief, no one owes you anything.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats.  For they are cunning and you sleep with your mouth open.

You look like I need a drink.

The cats are in charge.  Accept it!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

UM29 The element of confusion.

I'm so far behind I thought I was first.

If you just did what I told you I wouldn't have to be so bossy.

Keep calm and carry a .308.

I'm the 1% that pays for the 99%. Who are you?"

Welcome to Wyoming, assume everyone is armed!

Trading security for liberty guarantees neither.

If society is normal, I'm glad I'm not.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

Quondo Omni Flunkus Mortati (When all else fails, play dead.)

I love my country but I fear the government.

I'm on the endangered species waiting list.

Overkill is underrated.

Mayor of Crazyville

Official Cat Toy

Carthago delenda est

Lead me not into temptation.  Oh Hell ... just follow me, I know a shortcut.

I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.

If age has taught me one thing, it's that young people are stupid.

The lemmings are gaining on me.

I am lost. I've gone to look for myself.  If I should return before I get back please ask me to wait.

If things get any worse I'll have to ask you to stop helping.

Please take a moment to appreciate my vast knowledge and experience.

I'm just here to establish an alibi.

Incorrigible.  Please do not incorrige.

Just when I thought I had it all, I forgot where I put it.

Let's eat Grandma
Let's eat, Grandma
Commas save lives

I'd kill for the Nobel Peace Prize.

History buff: I'd find you more interesting if you were dead.

If it moves, it's Biology
If it stinks, it's Chemistry
If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

If you can't stand the heat don't tickle the dragon.

I have a degree in Philosophy.  Why do you want fries with that.

I'm on the endangered species waiting list.

Barack Obama - The troll under the bridge to American prosperity.

You can't run from death forever... , but you sure can make the dirty SOB work for it.

Don't let your mind wander... it's too little to be out by itself.

Fairness is not giving my money to lazy people.

Stupidity kills, but not nearly enough.

This is not Facebook and I am not your friend.

Half a bubble off.

Drink coffee.  Do stupid things faster with more energy.

On your mark, Get set..., Go away!

If idiots grew on trees this place would be an orchard.

Please take a moment to appreciate my vast knowledge and experience.

Be nice to me or I'll throw you under the bus.  And I'm driving.

My train of thought just derailed.

I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me what to do.

Buckle up!  It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

History Buff:  I'd find you more interesting if you were dead.

Don't make me me flip my witch switch.

My train of thought has left the station.

I hope my ship comes in before the dock rots.

[Picture of a pissed of cat] Just give me the catnip and nobody gets hurt.

Who needs hair with a body like this?

I'm sorry, but I don't know any words small enough for you to understand.

This is not the life I ordered.

Sorry but my give a dam is busted.

Government is not the solution to our problem.  Government is the problem.

If at first you don't succeed, maybe you just suck at it.

And your whinny, crybaby opinion would be...?

I flunked anger management.

I don't have a license to kill.  Just a learner's permit.

I keep pressing the "Escape" [picture of the ESC key] key but I'm still here.

I so busy I don't know if I've found a rope or lost my horse.

Ketchup:  It's like a tomato wine that's good with everything.

Life is like a doughnut.  You're either in the dough or in the hole.

I'd wrap THAT in bacon.

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

If you carrot all, lettuce give whirled peas a chance.

Liberal (Noun)  - Someone so open minded that his brain has fallen out.

The West wasn't won with a salad.

Yes, this is my truck.  No, I won't help you move.

To err is human.  To forgive, divine.  Neither is Marine Corps policy.

I respect your opinion but mine is better.

One Big Ass Mistake America

The world doesn't owe you anything. The world was here first. - Albert Einstein

If you think healthcare is expensive, just wait till its free.

Peace through superior firepower.

I'll keep my guns, freedom, and religion-YOU keep the change.

People Eating Tasty Animals

My other auto is a .45.

Where is TR when we need him?

What's that whirring sound?  Just the Founding Fathers spinning in their graves.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain just to choke on a carrot.

9 of the 10 voices in my head told me to stay home and clean my guns today.

SEALs -- Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club

Water-boarding is out, so kill them all!

Interrogators can't water board dead guys.

SEALs -- Travel Agents To Allah

Stop Global Whining

When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine Dead men don't testify.

The Navy Seals -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight

Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back

Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!

What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? .... A little Recoil

Marines -- Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For Their Country Since 1775

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It

Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon

Seals -- It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting

Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl.

One Shot, Twelve Kills -- US Navy Gun Fire Support

Do draft dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?

There are two rules for survival in modern society
1) Never tell everything you know
2)

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?

There are NO sucking chest wounds...ALL chest wounds suck.

When it's all over, you better HOPE you've got some CHANGE left.

Government IS the problem

If you can read this you're in range

Beware the light at the end of the Tunnel, It might be a Train.

"The first step to getting on your feet is to get off your ass!"

It's "We the people," NOT "me the president."

STOP GLOBAL WHINING

ARIZONA (with AZ flag) Doing the job the Feds won't.
(www.Yavapaiteaparty.org)

So this Irishman walks out of a bar... No really, it can happen.

I have CDO. It's like OCD but all the letters are in the right order.

I'll have a Cafe-Mocha Vodka-Vallium Latte to go please.

DILLIGARA [doilooklikeigivearatsass?]

So far this is the oldest I've ever been.

A big chair.  A new book.  An old cat.  The perfect day.

The dog ate my lesson plans.

I am the Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.

Pretending I'm a pleasant person all day is exhausting.

Jericho Survivor

With enough thrust pigs fly just fine.

Over the hill and picking up speed.

After Monday & Tuesday even the calendar says W.T.F.

Still deciding if I should use my super powers for good or evil.

Never send a chipmunk to do a squirrel's job.

Smith & Wesson The original point and click interface.

When all else fails, empty all the magazines, fire all the claymores, and call for air support.

Leadership first out the door and last off the ground.

The 2nd Amendment guarantor of all other Amendments

(Picture of "dear reader") Does this ass make my truck look too big?

Don't sweat the petty things, and whatever you do, DON'T pet the sweaty things.

If you don't think that the Lord has a sense of humor, look around you.

PETA People for the Edible Treatment of Animals

If it doesn't bark or purr, it's food

Today I'm going to master the art of doing nothing.

Facing your fears builds strength.  Running from them makes for a great cardio workout.

Old age comes at an inconvenient time.

Engineering.  Like math but louder.

I'm always late.  My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

God Bless the USA and the farmer who feeds your fat ass.

I AM the celebrity you think I look like.

Relish today.  Ketchup tomorrow.

Writer's Block:  When your imaginary friends won't talk to you.

Don't be more stupid than God compels you to be

Yes, I've heard of decaf coffee. What's your point?

Yes, I drink black coffee. You mean there are other colors?

I like my coffee like I like my women hot, strong, and steamy.

If you voted for Obama in '08 to prove you're not a racist, will you vote for someone else in '12 to prove you're not an idiot?

(Picture of a stick on name tag) Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya. Prepare to die

And thou shall have dominion over all the beasts of the earth... except of course for cats.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS: Universe halted.

I'm so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single thing I'm saying.

Grandparenting - The ultimate extreme sport

Use to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


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One of these t-shirts or bumper stickers annoys you?  Tough!  Put on your big girl panties and adjust.

Updated 2014-09-14